Aha--There's The Black Dog

Someone I know online slightly was talking recently about how he practices optimism and how it has helped him not be prone to things like depression or guilt over past mistakes.

I volunteered a response about how I'm the same way.

But let's be honest. I wish I didn't have to practice optimism so hard, sometimes.

I'm feeling fairly unloved this morning. I've been having weird stomach distress the last few days, not sure what it's about, so that's not helping. Creatively, I feel blocked. Rehearsal on some new music is not going well, I'm VERY conscious of my low skill level compared to what's going to be needed eventually, and I'm not doing a very good job of reminding myself that practice will bring more skill in time.

It's hard not to notice that while a few of my friends will move mountains to spend time with me, or to stay involved in my life, most people only want to interact when I make it convenient for them. My recent show keeps feeling like an example of that .... Matt came all across the country to see me, one other friend took time out of his schedule (and as far as I know, he's not a big fan of rock music so that was especially meaningful, as I see it) ... and most other people just SAY they'll show up and then don't. Actions speak louder than words.

I'm even being kept waiting by someone who I made time for in my schedule today when what I really wanted to do was focus on myself.

Most of this is transient feelings that will resolve on their own, but I don't think it pays to ignore them. I have to practice optimism in the face of them.